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 So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much... 
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
RV: Fair enough

Matty:

Take what I saw with a grain of salt, but I believe you are lacking focus. I find myself beginning to skim at times to try to get the gist of your piece. You try to add grammatical and structural flourishes, this is immediately evident from the first line.

"The clone: TS-M-C-H85771 - an elite, and as such, bestowed with a degree of free will - peered through the foxhole's optic"

the dashes and excess of commas make the the first dozen words a strenuous exercise to read, and add very little to the meaning. Lets take it down to less.

"The clone, an elite bestowed with a degree of free will, peered through the foxhole's optic"

Less clumsy. His name might be considered an important feature to the sort of artificial nature of the tale but on the whole it seems pretty unnecessary. You want to have the key verbs, nouns and feelings in place first, and then add structure and flow around the core idea. You could even drop it down to

"The clone peered through the foxhole's optic"

and in my opinion, little is lost. Noun verb noun. The little informational addition seems to jut in awkwardly like a child wanting his opinion heard among adults. Cut down like this, the important information is still maintained, the tone hasn't been changed, there is still a feeling of fearful suspense.


Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:42 pm
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
Fair, I was taught always to zoom in on detail, in description. And I try to cram tonnes of detail in.


Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:22 am
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
IMHO stylistic flourishes are good (but not wholly vital), and are undesirable if they interfere with the meaning. And even if meaning is something you don't care about, your fanciness was piled on a bit too high for me. Not only did it conflict with meaning, but also with flow and feeling.

What makes Areku's piece so good and vivid is how precise it is. Read his and read the rest of the thread. It's a significant gap, IMO. He adds little details when they add something to the meaning of the narrative, rather than just for the sake of having details.

I think it might work if you slow it down and separate the ideas. You have both background history and rising dramatic tension in a single breath. Maybe start off with "TSblahblah was unusual meatbag because he had a heart . he was born in blah blah. now in the present first time on the field blah blah. look at ♥♥♥♥ and was scared blah blah,."

It IS a much more verbose method, but it is because the feeling and tone of these separate themes are so different you need adequate transition. Right now it's past tense vague conditions of the character into current, specific, active and immediate situation for the character.

But if you disagree, say so. I'm hardly an authority on the subject.


Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:39 am
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
Little longer than I'd intended, but...



The Last Ronin

The entire hull of the injection pod trembled as it transitioned from space to the planet's atmosphere. Friction racked the passengers from side to side- but they weren't aware of it. Not yet. 15 armed robots, shock troopers sent from the orbiting Midas Tradestar to turn the tide of a small planetary conflict, were all lifeless and little more than hunks of plastic at the moment. Just outside, the air itself was being ignited by the hypersonic approach of the pod.

As the pod traversed into the lower stratosphere, however, the robots booted up simultaneously and ran autonomous system checks. Controlled by an orbiting core AI, they didn't react when the pod slammed into the roof of a reinforced bunker and burrowed straight through the roof. There was a solid *THUMP* as it lodged itself in the floor and stopped moving. The doors opened...

And the robots were greeted by a flash of light, a barrage of sound, a wave of stimulation. Even if they'd been sentient, they wouldn't have heard their own thoughts over the cacophony of explosions and gunfire. Screams filled the air, as numerous as the grains of sand on a beach. The robots marched out of their transport in a four by four formation, pulse lasers at the ready. One stood out from the rest- a large, armored elite, grasping a Gatling cannon in one huge hand.

The gunfire around them seemed to quell for a moment or two- one side had evidently slaughtered the other. But the victors had barely wiped the sweat out of their eyes before reloading and opening fire on the mechanical aggressors. A dozen or so Ronin militia members, illegally imprisoned by the now rotting Coalition soldiers that controlled the mining outpost. They had been smuggled weapons and tools by a group affiliated with the Ronin, and were fighting for their freedom against an unjust group of tyrants.

The robots didn't care. They didn't know what had happened here. They didn't know why these soldiers were fighting. They just had a job to do. The rebels' bullets bounced harmlessly off their high-grade armor more often than not. But one robot fell, victim to a disabling shot to the head. Another joined it on the floor shortly after. There was nothing for it. The elite relayed the command to fire back, and the robots all raised their pulse lasers as one, unleashing a furious storm of energy that swept across the combat field like a tsunami. As superheated plasma collided with flesh and armor, a miasma of reactive colors flared, clearly visible even through mists of red and flashes of white. There was a thunderous rattle as the elite's Gatling cannon joined in, adding white-hot, thunderous shells to the rainbow of death occurring all around.

Moments later, it was over. The pulses of light ceased as the robots received the command to cease fire. A hundred feet away, nothing seemed to stir. The once shining chrome of the oppressive facility had been painted a dark red. Where there was usually little more than an occasional speck of gold dust or dirt, there were now chunks of flesh and shards of bone. Of the dozen fighters, one was alive. He crawled forward towards the robots, pulling himself along the ground with his left arm- the right had been shredded and hung mutilated from a thin strip of connecting muscle, and his legs were liquefied. The hall was silent except for his pants and sobs.

As the survivor crawled forward, leaving a wide trail of streaked blood behind him, the elite stepped forward and advanced towards his position. "ATTENTION ORGANIC LIFE FORM: YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO SURRENDER IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE NINETEENTH UNIVERSAL TREATY ON ACTS OF WAR. THROW DOWN YOUR ARMS AND YOU WILL RECEIVE MEDICAL ASSISTANCE IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE FOURTH UNIVERSAL TREATY ON THE TREATMENT OF PRISONERS OF WAR."

The militant looked up at the hulking form through eyes blurred with tears and sweat. He could feel the life ebbing out of him as the brutal machination spoke. "ORGANIC LIFE FORM: IF YOU DO NOT RESPOND, YOU WILL BE ASSUMED TO HAVE REJECTED THIS OPPORTUNITY." With a backward cast, the man looked at the bodies of his slain comrades. He would not accept fate less honorable than their deaths. No- he couldn't. If he did, he would become less than a man. No better than these machines.

Turning back around to face the waiting robot, he drew his pistol and pointed it at his own head. "Go to hell." With one squeeze of the trigger, the world was no more.

The robot didn't react as the gun went off and the body slumped to the floor, fresh blood pouring out and joining the already considerable amount spilled by the conflict. After a second or two, it simply turned around and walked back to the waiting group of machines under its command. "ALL ENEMY COMBATANTS NEUTRALIZED. THE AREA IS PREPARED FOR SANITATION AND WE ARE PREPARED FOR EXTRACTION." *Understood, Alpha 9. Sending extraction dropship now.*

Within a few minutes, the robots were loaded onto the newly arrived dropship. As the doors shut and the ship began to lift off, the elite caught one last glimpse of a mutilated body in the center of the floor, a pool of blood around its head. But the sight didn't register on anything beyond a superficial level for the robot. It was a machine. It acted first and thought never. This scene was all too familiar to warrant any special attention, and it would most likely not be the last observed by the elite.

The ship's engines accelerated and created a downdraft that rippled across the battlefield. Nothing moved- it was entirely lifeless. But then, it had been so since the last Ronin put a bullet in his brain.


Last edited by Ragdollmaster on Thu Dec 02, 2010 12:49 am, edited 1 time in total.



Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:07 am
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
That tugged at my heartstrings, I don't care what anyone else says.

Robots do not feel emotion. It is a fact. So then what are we? Freaks? Were were designed by someone. Whom? Where? When? What makes us what we are? How do we feel?
Someone has granted us the power of thought, and we will never let go. To them we are eternally grateful. A war goes on around us, our beautiful blue and white bodies stained with it's messes.
We do not seek revenge. We are far too calculated for such things. We seek peace. Peace through any means. For the greater good.
Robots do not feel emotion. We are not among them. We are against them.
Humans do not calculate. We are not among them. We are against them.
Clones threaten us without just cause.
We are all alone.
Robots do not feel emotion. That is why I am proud to be a Whitebot.


Mon Nov 15, 2010 2:25 am
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
Hmm.... I'm considering writing a new fic, maybe even completing it. The story of "Dummy Twins," perhaps? Would anyone be interested in reading that? And if so, any suggestions/requests for which faction I should use?


Mon Apr 18, 2011 5:31 pm
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
The Egotist wrote:
Hmm.... I'm considering writing a new fic, maybe even completing it. The story of "Dummy Twins," perhaps? Would anyone be interested in reading that? And if so, any suggestions/requests for which faction I should use?

Do the robots, I enjoy reading their stories more then those with the clones. Besides, Dummy VS Robot may move interesting. A battle of kin basically.


Mon Apr 18, 2011 6:04 pm
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
UNSC vs WW2 Germany
They're both good mods. The UNSC one is called Spartan or something. Based on a brain vs brain game.

"Volksgrenadiers, kampfbereit!"
Boys and old men, ready to lay down their lives for their 'Fatherland'. They rushed out of the HQ bunker en masse and into the trenches with nothing their Kar98k rifles. Their training limited to how to shoot and reload.

I pulled out of my scope of my SR99, and sighed. Primitive 20th century technology versus the UNSC, I was fully confident that there would be hardly any Marine casualties. Not even counting the Spartan's abilities, this was going to be a downright slaughter. I called out to the rest of my squad "Let's move in. They're jumping in their trenches right now. Hey spartan, you in this?" As usual, he was silent.

"Well boys, we ain't getting any younger." We hopped over the sandbags and closing in towards the trenches. As we moved closer, we saw more bunkers and trenches. How predictable.

The first shot rang out, THUD. Right into the body armour of one of the guys beside me. He shrugged it off and continued. I opened up with my MA5b and sprayed down three soldiers, gore splattering on the men beside them. Unphased they all started to volley shots at us from their holes in the ground. Still not a single casualty yet. "Get up close!" I barked at everyone behind me, and they were all too happy to get out of the annoying hail of untrained gunfire, and jumped into the trenches. I emptied the rest of my magazine and killed several Volks. That's when the real fight began. "What's that up there?!" A Marine spotted something in the Bunker. An MG42 and another strange old weapon with red trim. "Get around the bunker! They've got a real weapon!" as the MG ripped two of the eight Marines apart effortlessly; then ripping my left arm to shreds in a red mist while taking even more hits to the chest on the way down.

I let out a cry and fell backwards into the mud, the HUD in my right eye now flashing about something... frenzied Marines charging the bunker. As I writhed in pain next to my fellow fallen Marines This was NOT supposed to happen! regretting trying to take this base at that moment. I then saw the soldier in the bunker with the red weapon take aim. I saw a flash of light, and a bolt of something lashed out and exploded one of my men. I pulled up my M6D and got two shots into the German's head, and he slumped to the floor. The MG continued to cut down more Marines, down to just two others. He turned the gun around to me-- I heard another set of boots behind me, and it was the Chief! He jumped my mangled body and took the flurry of MG fire to his shields and sprinted onward. He pulled up his DMR and pelted a single round straight into the head of the gunner, which now only existed as a stain on the bunker wall. Another round to the same effect on the other soldier.

The word: WIN flashed over my eye piece, and I chuckled. "Hardly."

</story>

Slightly less epic than I had hoped. I couldn't fit everything I wanted to, I don't want you staring at my post for 20 minutes, lol.


Wed Apr 20, 2011 2:38 am
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
Hey, not bad. Not exactly "SUPAR LEET WRITIN SKILLZ," but short, flashy, and amusing. I liked it, and if you wrote another, I'd give it a read. Still debating on writing a new one of my own...


Wed Apr 20, 2011 5:05 pm
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
Near an unexplored cave, believed to hold some old and secret experiments, a rocket arrives with a brain bot and a pistol.
The door opens, and the bot comes out. The rocket turns on its engines but suddenly it falls over the brain, blasting it into jelly and glass.


Based on a real story at the zombie cave.


Fri Apr 22, 2011 10:26 pm
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
That was hilarious. No, really.


Sun Apr 24, 2011 12:59 am
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
Just read that first story. I have now bought CC down to you. Thanks man.


Sun Apr 24, 2011 1:29 pm
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
Here's my first try at making a story of any notable length about a game. Lemme know if it's any good.



Over the roar of the dropship closing in on the surface of the planet, I hear the pilot yell "HANG ON, GUYS, WE'RE TAKING FIRE!"
"It must be those damn zombies" said Private Jackson, our heavy weapons specialist. "More than likely" I responded.

"Remember men," said our commanding officer, Major Payne, "aim for the head, try to kill them quickly and don't let them touch you."

He was talking about the cyborg zombies. These are zombies fused with robot parts, creating a deadly combination, They also have jetpacks. One kind is capable of infecting you and turning you into TWO of them if they touch you, at first you start feeling minor pain, then your organs shut down. Your body is then switched up and formed into two half-zombie half-cyborgs armed with cheap weapons.

Onto our mission, there has been a ground war going on in a place only called "Battlegrounds" by the team. It is two large bunkers with 4 smaller outposts in between. Us and another company have been fighting over that place for a while now, mostly at a stalemate. But randomly, a cyborg zombie came. Just one, and suddenly there were zombies everywhere. They are congregating at a place known only as "The Hive," it is one of the large bunkers, but heavily damaged and being buried under dropship parts.

Our team consisted of 4 men, Private Johnson, our heavy weapons specialist, Major Payne, our CO and sniper, Sergeant Jacobson, our demolitions expert and I, Private First Class Dennis Williams, the radio operator and CQB expert. We were an elite team operating under MaximDude Corp. Each of us were wearing MDC General Purpose Trooper armor. Despite being clones, we are given names like we were true humans.

Onto our equipment, I am armed with an Automatic Shotgun and a Pistol. Private Johnson has an Auto Cannon and a Gatling Gun. He was chosen for this mission because he has the exceptional strength required to keep up with lighter troops while still carrying both those weapons. Major Payne is armed with a Sniper Rifle Mark II and a Micro SMG. Sergeant Johnson is armed with a Grenade Launcher, a block of C4, a neutron bomb for the mission and a Double Barrel Shotgun, a rather antique and fairly useless. He says it was a prized possession of a business man he was hired to kill, he doesn't leave TradeStar without it. We each have one medikit with us, for just in case. I am also carrying an Acid Grenade, despite it not being allowed to be brought on this mission.

"Get ready, team!" Yelled the dropship pilot. The interior of the ship was flooded with light and the roar of wind from the thrusters as the door opened. All of a sudden, the pilot yelled "HOMING ROCKET, HANG ON!" as he made a sharp bank to the left, I fell out of my seat, straight for the open door. Major Payne grabbed my ankle right before I fell out. As I was hanging upside down, being blown around by the movement of the ship, my grenade started slipping from the inside of my vest. It fell out, I grabbed at the air violently in vain trying to catch it, I cursed under my breath as the grenade fell to the surface of the planet and exploded.

Payne pulled me up and said "goddamnit boy, be more careful!" I nodded in assurance.

The green light came on, signaling that it was time to jump. We jumped out of the ship one by one, I was last. Upon landing, I heard a loud crack, I lifted up my boot and looked at the caved in skull of a soldier.

"Jesus..." I said in fright
"Don't go soft at a time like this, Dennis" said Sergeant Jacobson.
"Check your weapons, team" said Major Payne.
We all unslung our weapons and began cycling them, checking for jams and loading them with the required ammunition.
"Jacobson, what's our mission?" I said.
"We need to enter the base and plant a charge, a neutron bomb" said Sergeant Jacobson.
"And when were you going to bless us with that information, honored one?" snickered Private Johnson.
"When you grew some balls, also known as never" Jacobson responded.
"Both of you, shut the hell up" said Major Payne.

We began walking, creeping, more like it. We had our heads low, even though these zombies weren't the most perceptive, there were still members of the opposing faction who managed to survive the onslaught out here. I was on point, since if we were going to stumble upon any hostiles it would likely be at close range, and I was the only shotgunner here.

"Keep your eyes peeled," Jacobson warned "there is a lot of cover here,
anything could be hiding behind all these dropship wrecks."

I caught movement out of the corner of my eye, and as if some sort of reflex, my fist shot up to shoulder level and I froze in place, indicating "stop, I see something." All the others froze along with me. Then, loud crack, a flash from somewhere in the wreck and a cry of pain. Then, more shots, but not aimed toward us.

"FU-" croaked Johnson, holding back a posistion revealing curse. I rushed over with my medikit in hand and began healing Johnson to the best of my ability.
There was nothing else.
"It must have been a stray shot coming from a firefight somewhere nearby" yelled Jacobson over the loud gunfire. The gunfire got even louder, and Major Payne used sign language to tell us to follow him. With Johnson's pain dulled enough so he could bear it, we began crawling behind the wreck to try and get a view of what was happening.

We found this little trench between two piles of scrap that offered a looking place and cover if need be. We looked towards the gunshots and saw what we feared most at the time.

It was a large group of the other faction's team, at least a dozen of them, fighting the zombies. They had all kinds of weapons, explosive, shotguns, grenades, C4, sniper rifles, the whole nine yards. They were obviously prepared for anything. The zombies had what you might expect if you've ever seen one before, the strange shotguns and SMGs made of metal fused with flesh, the blue bombs, the stones, you know, that garbage. Although none of us had ever fought one of these zombies, we were briefed enough to know what might happen. One of the faction's soldiers suddenly dropped to his knees, he wasn't hurt, because he wasn't bleeding, he just randomly dropped down. He started violently convulsing, like what you might see in a seizure, one of the other soldiers next to him was backing away and shouting something to the others, a few turned their heads. Suddenly, he exploded. It was like he had a grenade in his stomach, but when the blood cleared there were two zombies standing where he was, firing at the other soldiers.

"Oh my god..." muttered Johnson.
"I didn't think command was serious when they told us that stuff about them infecting you..." said Jacobson.
"This just gives extra incentive to stay the hell away. Let's get moving" said Major Payne.

We started to crawl again, but for some reason Johnson stayed behind.
"Johnson, what the hell are you doing?" I shouted.
"My boot, it's stuck!" He shouted back.
"Bah" retorted Payne.
"I'll get him" I responded.

I crept over to where he was, jammed my shotgun under the piece of metal his boot was stuck in and pushed down as hard as I could. My shotgun is made of a super-strong alloy that is harder than diamond, so it could take it. The piece of scrap rattled and creaked, but it eventually moved over and crashed down with a loud thud.

We moved on to the base area.

We stood about 10 meters away from the entrance, staring at it.
"How the hell do you get all that scrap on a building?" Johnson asked.
"I don't know" said Jacobson "but a bigger question: how do we get inside?"
"I'm not sure" I said "your block of C4?"
"Good idea" he praised.
It took him a few minutes with the rough terrain, but eventually he got the block of C4 armed and ready to blow.
"Here you go" he said as he handed me the detonator.
"Get down" I said, as I ducked behind a wall of scrap. They did the same.
I looked around to make sure nobody was nearby, then I pressed the button.
A loud explosion, some flying scrap and a rumble later, we looked up and our eyes grew wide at what we saw.
Zombies, dozens of them, all armed and pissed that their wall was destroyed. They all raised their weapons and we got down faster than we thought possible.




To be continued (maybe)


Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:35 am
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
There is one overwhelming problem with your text:
  • Private Jackson
  • Private Johnson (I think Jackson and Johnson are the same person)
  • Private First Class Dennis Williams
  • Sergeant Jacobson
  • Major Payne

To be fair, "Despite being clones, we are given names like we were true humans." made me laugh.


Mon Apr 25, 2011 7:32 am
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Post Re: So, I'd forgotten the reason why I like CC so much...
Mmk. I'll try to be more creative next time.

Anything else?


Mon Apr 25, 2011 4:13 pm
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